Light weight

My heart is pounding so hard I can feel my brain pulsating, sweat is pouring from every inch of my body, and my legs are shaking from adrenaline swirling in my bloodstream. Don't count it, I tell myself, don't count it. My headphones are screaming lyrics from "All The Above." When I hear the beat pick up, I know the chorus is coming. I let out a grunt somewhere between a scream and a growl, drop my butt towards the ground and drive up with all the force I can muster through my legs, force my body to ignore the sticking point and stand up. Light weight! Light weight! Light weight! 


On the third rep, I'm totally spent.

Mission accomplished. I'm that much closer to my goal.

Today was back day. A day for feelings of dread and excitement. I will never understand what it is about deads that appeals to me. It's kind of silly to want to pull lots of weight into a standing position, but really once you do it you get hooked.

A friend once told me you will find yourself shooting up the weight rack whenever you successfully convince yourself that everything in there is light weight. All of it: baby plates, big boys, 5 pounders, it's all light weight.

I wonder if this can transfer to my every day life. If I tell myself everything is easy, will that instantly make difficult situations feel less difficult?

I tried it today. Had a conversation with someone quite close to me I haven't spoken to in a few years. Be easy, I chanted to myself, be easy. Now the conversation was not comfortable by any means, but it was certainly not horrible either. I made a promise and tentative future plans to see this person face to face in the near future. Many tried to tell me it had to be tomorrow. Truth is, I'm not ready. Everyone else thinks I am, but I'm really not.

If you ask me, I think everyone else around me are the ones that are ready for this to be over. Ready for me to reconnect and rebuild.

A friend told me it fear is not a good reason to make a decision. I think it's very applicable to my situation. I have no intention of allowing my fear rob me of my relationship. However, I equally do not like the idea of others dictating when, how, and where I should begin to mend this relationship.

If I end up taking that first step tomorrow by chance, great. But I'm not going to obsess.
Be easy. 


When all else fails, just breathe... And in the end, it will be ok.