Light weight

My heart is pounding so hard I can feel my brain pulsating, sweat is pouring from every inch of my body, and my legs are shaking from adrenaline swirling in my bloodstream. Don't count it, I tell myself, don't count it. My headphones are screaming lyrics from "All The Above." When I hear the beat pick up, I know the chorus is coming. I let out a grunt somewhere between a scream and a growl, drop my butt towards the ground and drive up with all the force I can muster through my legs, force my body to ignore the sticking point and stand up. Light weight! Light weight! Light weight! 


On the third rep, I'm totally spent.

Mission accomplished. I'm that much closer to my goal.

Today was back day. A day for feelings of dread and excitement. I will never understand what it is about deads that appeals to me. It's kind of silly to want to pull lots of weight into a standing position, but really once you do it you get hooked.

A friend once told me you will find yourself shooting up the weight rack whenever you successfully convince yourself that everything in there is light weight. All of it: baby plates, big boys, 5 pounders, it's all light weight.

I wonder if this can transfer to my every day life. If I tell myself everything is easy, will that instantly make difficult situations feel less difficult?

I tried it today. Had a conversation with someone quite close to me I haven't spoken to in a few years. Be easy, I chanted to myself, be easy. Now the conversation was not comfortable by any means, but it was certainly not horrible either. I made a promise and tentative future plans to see this person face to face in the near future. Many tried to tell me it had to be tomorrow. Truth is, I'm not ready. Everyone else thinks I am, but I'm really not.

If you ask me, I think everyone else around me are the ones that are ready for this to be over. Ready for me to reconnect and rebuild.

A friend told me it fear is not a good reason to make a decision. I think it's very applicable to my situation. I have no intention of allowing my fear rob me of my relationship. However, I equally do not like the idea of others dictating when, how, and where I should begin to mend this relationship.

If I end up taking that first step tomorrow by chance, great. But I'm not going to obsess.
Be easy. 


When all else fails, just breathe... And in the end, it will be ok.

Mirror mirror on the wall...

Mirror mirror on the wall... Tell me what I should like about myself.

It's amazing isn't it? By others' standards I should be really proud of how far I've come. I went from curling 15 lbs as a working weight with cheat a year ago to 20 lbs clean. I can deadlift over 200 lbs when a year ago I barely knew what that even was.

Then why am I so disappointed? Why can I only focus on my current goal and not see how many other goals I've already accomplished? What is so hard about accepting what I have?

This doesn't just apply to my training either. My entire life tends to be like this. I teeter back and forth on the cusp of success and failure. The weirdest thing is I will always acknowledge my fear of failure, but sometimes I think I also fear success. It's as if the taste of success will be so sweet but, I know it comes with the warning of the fall that may come. I'm 99% sure this feeling isn't unique to me.

It's a balance game.
It's a challenge.

In my quest to obtain a greater understanding of myself, I have come to accept that I will always be a person that is chasing the next big goal, the next big shining achievement. And that's ok. However, I still need to learn to value the things I have already accomplished, and not take it all for granted.

I need to accept that fearing success and failure will only leave me paralyzed, unable to move forward in my progression and achieve the things I know I can achieve.

I accept that fear is normal. But fear will never define me.

Mirror, mirror, on the wall... Thank you for reminding me I am a smart, strong, and independent woman.
Mirror, mirror... Thank you for showing me I am only as strong as I allow myself to be. 

Today's goals are tomorrow's accomplishments

Read it. Live it.

I'm saying that because I feel amazing. I pulled 205x1 (deadlift) today. Halfway through the lift I felt my body go what the hell do you think you're doing?! I ignored it, I kept pushing up and locked it out. Hell yes!


This comes back to my regular life though.

Goal: Get a job I love. That's going to be an accomplishment soon. Something awesome is on the horizon, I feel it in the air.

Here's another little piece of random thought I posted on Facebook the other day:

The job market is rough. Thankfully, optimism is free!

Never having time

I once said on my Facebook status:

There will always be laundry that needs to be done, errands that need to be completed, but consistently putting yourself last will only result in forever trying to play catch up with yourself. Take care of yourself, you deserve it :)


This particular status got something like 16 likes from my little network of friends. I read it over once in a while to remind myself to slow down. Because in theory, it sounds so great. Love yourself. But let's be realistic, how much of what you do in a day is really for you?


I'm not sure if you guys know about this, but at the moment I'm staying with my in-laws until my husband and I get back on our feet. It sounds great for a number of reasons. In the past two weeks I've received the following comments:

• You're living rent free
• At least you have a roof over your head
• At least you're not homeless
• Wow you must be saving a ton of money

Notice how a lot of those comments are kind of sneaky mean. They're not really positive. Especially the ones that start with the words "at least..." I think people kind of tell you (or tell themselves) things like that to try to "remain humble."

Don't get me wrong, I'm grateful someone is willing to help us out right now. I'm grateful someone has the resources to assist us in this difficult transition period. However, I don't think grateful should equate happy or content. This is exactly what is should be: difficult.

I mean let's be realistic, if you're either happy or content with living with your in-laws because you don't have any options you are either used to it or you're lying.

Anyways, there's been tremendous pressure on me (not sure if it is real or perceived) to find a job. ASAP. Given this economy I don't think it's unfair or unusual for me to have a "deer-in-headlights" look on my face. The whole situation feels rather overwhelming. In fact, it's kind of gotten out of hand.

Which brings me to today. I'm sitting here in Barnes & Noble working on my design resume, pulling up job applications to gyms, and more or less bugging out about how I still haven't heard anything. Really, I'm supposed to be here to complete resumes and cover letters.

I left my in-laws' house because there's two ten year olds there that (while I love them) can be quite... loud. Plus I'm paranoid and think she's judging me. But that's just my paranoia speaking I think.

Anyways, here I am. Staring at the things I have to do and all I could think of was getting it done until I saw my tab open with my blogger loaded. It made me sad to realize I've been ignoring the one thing the de-stresses me. Journaling!

So, after you've read my pathetic post about stress (yes I know there are people out there that like have no clean water -- way more stressful situation), this is a friendly reminder that you need to take some time in your day, and do something for yourself.

Doing your laundry doesn't count. Shopping for food doesn't count.

When was the last time you meditated?
When was the last time you just sat down and did absolutely nothing?

Treat yourself! You deserve it. And trust me, you'll feel 100x's better, even if you didn't feel like crap before.

The case of the comments

Macros. The basic nitty gritties of what food eventually breaks down to in my eyes.

For the most part, I am willing to eat most things because it fits my macros, I don't care much if it tastes "amazing" or not. This might be because my father made the most awful mystery food for me and my brother growing up. You learn to just choke it down and not whine.

My fixation with this topic stems from a comment I got this morning.

I mentioned heading to the market to grab some chicken breasts and salad greens. Bear in mind I'm in a living situation right now where food space is limited, as is kitchen usage time. So twice a day I've been eating chicken and greens, and propping up the carb numbers with oats and rice cakes.

The person I spoke to said "you can't just eat lettuce and chicken all the time."

Really? Why not?

Then again this was coming from someone who doesn't eat either of those things.

The point I'm trying to make is simply this: don't hate on the person who is eating right. Obviously I eat things other than chicken and greens, given the living circumstances I haven't exactly been able to make a huge variety of food.

But you know comments are sometimes like food, sometimes you gotta just choke it down, and move on.

$11 for THIS?!

This morning I went to a diner for the first time in years. Apparently there are no good Greek or Jewish owned diners anywhere else other than the tri-state area. So if you move, you've been warned. Don't be surprised when you're stuck with Jim Hortons or IHop as a diner alternative.

I polished off my Chef's Omelet (3 eggs, mushrooms, tomatos, mozzarella, and artichokes). Delish. Don't look at me like that. I can have a damn omelet once in a while, macros have been adjusted accordingly.

The tab came out to $22. Not bad for a sit-down breakfast, a treat.

We ran a few errands such as picking out a swimsuit (more about that another day), which came out to $14 per piece. For men, yes womens swimsuits come in separates you don't get both for a single price unless it's some kind of sale or package deal.

So, as women, most of us are not completely disgusted at the idea of paying $14 for some piece of clothing. Yet, many people I know would be disgusted at what $14 can buy them at a grocery store. I can't even count how many times I've walked past people shopping for chicken breasts in a meat section and overhead someone saying $11 for THIS?!

Really blows my mind.

Sure, I try to keep my grocery bill low, but that's because I try to keep all my bills low. Personally, I think it makes more sense to pay more to fuel your body than say adorn it with fabric and jewels. But really that's just my opinion.

I'll even admit it, we walked out of the grocery store and had spent a little over $15 on some apples, greens, tomatos, cucumbers, cheese, and the paper. I even thought to myself what a ripoff. 

Even though the truth is it wasn't really a rip off, and I know it.

It's a daily struggle sometimes, to put it all into perspective and to remind yourself where your priorities are and where you wish they could be (if you were independently wealthy or something). But let it always be a reminder that without your health, you have nothing.

So take care of yourself, love yourself. 
And treat yourself to some organic apples once in a while, they really do taste better.

The point where dedication meets functionality

"After admitting your faults, the next hardest thing is acknowledging your strengths. In our minds we always want to pretend we're good at things we really WISH we were good at. Dig deep, take an honest assessment, and cherish your existing strengths. Find ways to leverage them in your life to achieve amazing things. You'll never be sorry you did it."

I wish I was good at a lot of things. I spent years telling myself I'm a people person (I'm socially awkward), that I'm good at science (nope), and that I'm easy going (definitely not). Now, admitting all of that doesn't make my personality seem very rosey, I'll admit it. But despite those quirks, I'm loyal, honest, and dedicated to what I'm truly passionate about (family and health). Those are the things I'm actually good at, not the things I wish I was good at. But I wanted to discuss the topic of dedication.

I posted the above statement on my Facebook wall yesterday, after having spoken to a friend about my blog post earlier about cheating. The comment was short and was something to the effect of how when he was stressed out he would slip into a cheat and hate himself for it, but he's gotten much better over time.

I found it quite odd that my friend would feel the same way I do about the subject, especially when I often feel he is much more dedicated than I am to this lifestyle. He does twice a days, goes out with friends and orders a glass of water make the conscious decision not to cheat despite temptation.

That's inspirational right there. That is dedication. I could really learn something there.

I'm in my mid twenties. Most of my social gatherings at this point in my life revolve around food. Most friends want to grab dinner, a drink, or maybe lunch. I tend to bypass the dinner or lunch part by inviting them over instead, and the drink... I'll volunteer to be the designated driver. My way of remaining devoted to my diet is by avoiding tempting situations altogether. Which works for me but I think it makes me come off a little antisocial at times.

I don't think I'm "over dedicated" or anything. But like I said earlier, there's something for me to learn. I have to step it up and not let the lifestyle consume me.

I'll have a club soda please.

Some days you just don't want to

Julia Roberts opened her mouth and made a hideous buzzing sound. No matter how much I screamed at her, she wouldn't stop! Oh wait, I must be dreaming.

I cracked open one sandpaper-like eyelid at a time, and waited for my eyes to focus. 5:39AM. The bane of my existence. My arm instinctively swung out to squat at the noise machine until I realized I had no choice today. Vacation is over.

Tragic isn't it?

I stumbled my way into the rest of my apartment to survey the disaster it had become in a matter of days. Boxes, boxes, unplugged appliances, duffle bags, plastic tote bins everywhere! All I wanted was to turn around and climb back into my now-lukewarm bed. But no, I must press on. Movers will be here in a few hours.

I downed a few glasses of water and measured my oats, whey, and blueberries. Nuked the whole thing and sat down to eat breakfast. It's times like these when I want to cheat on myself. It would've been so easy to drive to the nearest Dunkin Donuts or Starbucks and buy a breakfast sandwich and a coffee. It's not even like it's far or even expensive...

But even on days when I don't want to, I know I have to.

So I sat, shoveled my oats into my mouth and forced myself to chew and swallow. Five bites later, I started to feel better. Halfway through my breakfast I started to feel like myself again. Granted, this is more tired and cranky version of myself, but still it's me.

Sometimes we dont want to live the lifestyle. It's so easy to cheat here and there, and tell yourself "it's only once." Really, when you want to cheat is probably the absolute worst time to cheat. You end up on a slippery slope where a cheat meal becomes a cheat day.

I'm a bigger fan of planning my cheat meals. It gives you something to look forward to, and keeps you on track the rest of the week.

Whatever you decide to do, just remember:

This is your now, this is will not be your forever.


Don't let stress (in my case) ruin your plan. Instead, plan ahead and stay on track. Remember that what you want is bigger than what you want right now. Save the cheat for something that's more satisfying than a cup of coffee and a lousy sandwich.

All the things she said

This morning I was hunting for rice cakes at my grocery store when I heard it behind me:

"I bet she's one of those girls that can eat whatever she wants and still stays skinny."


I didn't even bother turning around. But inside the smile I had on my face fell an inch.  Now granted, I don't think the woman thought I was listening, but still.

I wonder if she woman knows I log my food, my training, and my thoughts.  No, I can't just eat "whatever I want." In fact my diet is quite restrictive for the most part. In fact this is a short laundry list of what I eat:

• poultry (chicken, turkey)
• fish (salmon = <3)
• small portions of cheese (mini babybel, string cheese)
• spinach, mixed romaine lettuces, kale, asparagus (leafy greens are yum)
• bell peppers (assorted colors)
• tomatos (sometimes)
• rice cakes
• whey
• oats

So no, I don't "eat whatever I want." If I decided to eat out 3 times a day, 4 days a week, I wouldn't be where I'm at now.

I suppose I shouldn't be mad.  I shouldn't be hurt.  I mean afterall she's a total stranger.  I'll probably never see her again.  Heck, I didn't see her when she said it.

This little experience has taught me something though.  I have a lot to offer.  While my studies for my CPT has slowed, I absolutely need to press forward.  Once I'm done with that I can make a bigger movement into nutrition.

I want to change the world, one person at a time.

Consistency is key

I have advised many over the years that consistency is key. No one can see results without the dedication, patience, and determination to see this lifestyle through on a daily basis. You can train away many things. You can train away years of a sedentary lifestyle, you can train away muscular imbalance and weakness. But you can never train away bad nutrition.

Bad nutrition. This is the part that gets me.

There's tons of books out there about how to eat clean, how to eat like a caveman, etc. While these books do a great job of bringing awareness to poor eating habits, maybe the real focus has been lost. The real focus should be how to fuel your body.

I'm not saying you need to torture yourself by eating "bland" food. But let's be realistic here, everything you put into your body changes your body. If you have spent years eating high sodium food your tongue will be used to saltiness (same goes for sweetness).

Try an experiment, take two weeks and track your food, keep your sodium to the recommended daily value. At the end of those two weeks you'll find that your taste buds have adjusted, and foods you once thought were bland aren't anymore.

There's nothing wrong with enjoying your food. I'm not even trying to imply there is. The point is you should have a healthy relationship with your nourishment sources.

Your food should be the thing that fuels your body to do amazing things. To a certain degree, you have to accept that you may not "like" healthier alternatives at first, but you will probably grow to accept them over time.

It's your life and it's your body. You only get one, so love it every day and be good to yourself.